DMV Releases Data Proving It Is the Crown Jewel of Federal Efficiency. America Responds With Hollow Laughter.

The Daily Procedure | Technology & Culture

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE Office of Public Affairs, National DMV Coordinating Authority Contact: [email protected] (response time: 3–5 business days)

The National DMV Coordinating Authority (NDMVCA) today released the findings of its 2024 Federal Service Delivery Benchmarking Report, a comprehensive, independently audited analysis of wait times, form completion accuracy, customer outcome rates, and overall service delivery performance across eighteen major federal agencies.

The DMV ranked first.

The DMV ranked first by a significant margin.

In several categories, the DMV ranked first by a margin that the report's authors described as "statistically remarkable" and which this office will now describe to you in detail, despite a growing suspicion that it will not matter.

The Data, Presented Sincerely

According to the 2024 Benchmarking Report — conducted by the nonpartisan Federal Services Evaluation Consortium, which has no financial relationship with any DMV office and would like that noted prominently — the average in-person DMV transaction was completed in 23 minutes nationwide, following the full implementation of the Online Pre-Processing Initiative in 2022.

This figure represents a 61% improvement from 2015 and places the DMV ahead of seventeen peer agencies in transaction completion speed. The report further found that DMV form error rates have declined to 4.1%, compared to a federal agency average of 19.3%, and that 87% of customers who visited a DMV in 2024 left having successfully completed the task they came to accomplish.

The report was published on a Tuesday. By Wednesday morning, it had been viewed 4,300 times online. Of those views, analytics suggest that approximately 3,800 were people who clicked the link expecting to laugh and then did not know what to do when the data turned out to be real.

"We understand that this information conflicts with a strongly held national narrative," said NDMVCA Director Patricia Okafor, at a press conference attended by seven journalists, two of whom were visibly smirking before she had finished her opening sentence. "We are asking the public to engage with the data on its merits."

A reporter from a regional news outlet asked whether the DMV had perhaps made a mistake in the data.

"No," said Director Okafor.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"Because it just seems—"

"The data is correct."

A Nation Psychologically Committed to the Bit

Public reaction to the report was swift, unified, and entirely disconnected from its contents.

On social media, the announcement was met with a wave of jokes about taking a number, waiting six hours, and being told to go to the back of the line for having the wrong form. A meme featuring a skeleton sitting in a plastic chair received 200,000 shares by Thursday afternoon. The skeleton was wearing a shirt that said "Still Waiting at the DMV."

None of the people who shared the meme appear to have read the report.

A man in Phoenix named Craig, who left a one-star Google review of his local DMV in 2019 after waiting 45 minutes, told The Daily Procedure that the report was "obviously fake" and that he didn't "need a study to tell him what he already knows."

When informed that the study was conducted by an independent federal auditor and cross-referenced with IRS service delivery data, Craig said: "Yeah but the DMV though."

This response, in various phrasings, was received by The Daily Procedure from thirty-one of the thirty-four members of the public we contacted for comment.

The remaining three had not heard of the report. After being told about it, two of them said "yeah but the DMV though" and one said she needed to think about it, which is the most open-minded response this publication has recorded on the subject.

The Agencies the DMV Outperformed

The following sidebar is drawn directly from Appendix C of the 2024 Federal Service Delivery Benchmarking Report. It is presented without editorial embellishment, which in this case is unnecessary.

Agencies Ranked Below the DMV in Overall Service Delivery, 2024:

1. The IRS Taxpayer Assistance Center — Average call hold time: 2 hours, 17 minutes. Estimated percentage of callers who reached a human being: 31%. Estimated percentage of those human beings who resolved the caller's issue: 44%. The IRS has described its phone system as "a work in progress" since 2009.

2. The Social Security Administration — Currently operating with 10,000 fewer staff than in 2010 while serving a population that has grown by 22 million people. Average wait time for an in-office appointment in rural areas: 6 weeks. The SSA's online portal has been "temporarily down for maintenance" in some states since March.

3. The Veterans Benefits Administration — Average processing time for a disability claim: 141 days. The VBA has a backlog of approximately 300,000 claims. The agency released a modernization plan in 2021. The modernization plan is also currently backlogged.

4. The Federal Student Aid Office — Successfully processed 67% of FAFSA applications without error in 2024, down from 71% in 2023, following the rollout of a new simplified system that was described at launch as "the biggest improvement in student aid in a generation." The improvement has been difficult to locate.

5. The U.S. Passport Agency — Standard processing time: 6 to 8 weeks. Expedited processing time: 2 to 3 weeks, plus a $60 fee. Actual processing time during peak season: "Please allow additional time." The Agency's website has displayed the phrase "Please allow additional time" continuously since April 2022.

6. The Bureau of Land Management Permit Office — Average time to receive a recreational use permit: 4 months. Average time to receive a commercial use permit: 14 months. Average time to receive a response to an inquiry about why the permit is taking so long: pending.

7. The Federal Communications Commission Consumer Help Center — Received 5.1 million complaints in 2024. Resolved 3%. The remaining 97% are described on the FCC website as "under review," a category the FCC defines as meaning the complaint has been received and stored in a database that is not regularly monitored.

8. FEMA's Individuals and Households Program — Denied 56% of first-time disaster relief applications in 2024, the majority of which were ultimately approved upon appeal. The appeals process takes an average of 90 days. FEMA recommends that applicants "remain patient and persistent," advice that is easier to follow if your house has not recently been destroyed.

What the DMV Would Like You to Take Away From This

Director Okafor concluded Tuesday's press conference with a prepared statement that she delivered with the measured resignation of a person who has already accepted that it will not work.

"We are not asking for praise," she said. "We are asking for acknowledgment. There is a difference. The data exists. The improvements are real. Seventeen other agencies would be grateful to perform at our level. We are simply asking that the American public consider the possibility that their mental image of the DMV was formed sometime between 1987 and 2003 and has not been updated since."

She then took three questions, all of which were variations on "but what about the lines?"

The NDMVCA's next report will be released in 2026. The office has pre-emptively noted that it does not expect the findings to be received differently.

The skeleton meme currently has 340,000 shares.

The report has 4,300 views.

The DMV remains open Monday through Friday, 8 a.m. to 5 p.m., with extended Saturday hours at select locations. Appointments are available online. Most transactions take under 25 minutes.

This information is true.

You don't believe it.

That's fine. Take a number.